What do young boys like to talk about? Sports, girls, music, video games, bike riding, whatever is trending on social media. What do adult men like to talk about? Sports, girls, music, cars, whatever is trending on social media. What are young boys and adult men not told to talk about? Any guesses? Bueller? BUELLER?

Depression and anxiety. 

Give yourself a point if you guessed that correctly.

From an early age, boys are told that “you don’t cry” and “you take it like a man and move on.” Boys aren’t supposed to express emotions because “that’s a girly thing”. As boys turn into young men, those attributes still exist. “Pull yourself together” and “Suck it up” are usually two of many things that people will say because, well, talking about valid feelings makes others feel uneasy. So they have to change the topic and/or stop you dead in your tracks.

I will never claim to be an expert, nor am I anywhere near the agriculture world, but from my own personal experiences, allow me to break down why society is like this, and what boys/men can do to change the trajectory (and still talk about sports and girls…)

1) Men are supposed to be strong 24/7/365. I can spend endless hours talking about just this alone. Men are supposed to be providers, bring home the bacon, never crack under pressure. This to me is a super-antiquated philosophy that needs to be erased from society. And if a male even hints at having a bad day, they are told “That’s life” and “You need thicker skin.” 

My years in working retail and office life showed me that nobody wants to hear that I had a crap day…I bet a day in AG is quite similar. Bosses breathing down my neck, customers being nasty. Just do my job, zip the lip, bring home a paycheck, and get a pat on the head. I attribute this to “Well this is how we did it back in our day”. Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about get off MY lawn for a change?

2) Boys face constant peer pressure, whether it’s about picking a favourite sports team, buying the newest pair of sneakers, or liking the latest pop star because everyone else does. Being a child is tough, but being a pre-teen/teenager is worse. I don’t miss my awkward years at all. (Come to think of it, I’m still pretty awkward at 55 years old!) You have to fit in; it’s imperative.

3) Depression happens earlier. I first learned about having depression when I was 13 years old. I asked a girl out and was turned down. Oh, the ridicule from my classmates! The taunting, the teasing, it was unrelenting. Got home and did the typical teenage thing: closed the blinds, laid on my bed in complete darkness. My dad asked me what was wrong and then he said to my mom “Our son is depressed.” I was…what?! Before that, was I happy-go-lucky? 

Yes and no. 

I was bullied as a kid, and not once did I fight back (until 8th grade!) I was chased home a lot, had stuff stolen from me in school and in front of my house. Was I depressed then, or did I let things bounce off me faster? Not sure, as I was absorbed in video games and learning guitar. But…depression? At age 13?! Yep. Which leads me to this: boys get depressed! Why? Nobody sits down to talk about it. “Just brush it off, tomorrow’s a new day,” and other Hallmark card quotes get tossed around. That will make things better, right? Right?!

Editors note: “While some earlier studies theorized slightly higher depression rates among boys in early childhood, large-scale epidemiological data show that depression rates in children under 10 are generally similar for boys and girls.
(Costello et al., 2003; Thapar et al., 2012; Twenge & Nolen-Hoeksema, 2002; NIMH)

4) Social pressure doesn’t stop after high school. My mom used to say, “People leave high school, but it never leaves them.” Why is that? Do we still hold grudges? Or do we have unresolved issues stemming from not being the cool kid, the popular jock, or prom king? When boys grow into young men, depression and peer pressure doesn’t stop once they are handed a diploma. It gets worse! Now with social media, all bets are off. The insatiable need to impress others is off the charts. Validation in the form of a “like”, answers in the form of a meme…is this how we communicate now?

I haven’t even touched anxiety yet. 

5) Anxiety Sucks! I can be depressed and get over it eventually. But anxiety…it feels like a vice grip around my neck. Even if it lasts a few minutes, the after-effects linger. And the worst part? It can happen FOR NO REASON. At all. Ever. Figure that one out. Once anxiety subsides, I am left with this feeling of “Did that really happen to me?” I will go through the rest of my day hoping that another attack won’t happen. It’s scary. 

6) What causes anxiety? Basically, everything I mentioned above: peer pressure to fit in, family pressure to deliver the goods, social media pressure to look like your life is better than someone else’s. (And this is why my dad calls it Fakebook…) 

Anxiety stems from something that triggers us, and there’s a feeling of hopelessness and perhaps some dizzy spells. How do boys and men cope? Not to sound judgmental, but it’s usually through drugs, alcohol, whatever can ease their minds and dull the senses. And it doesn’t have to be this way. (I am all for escaping reality, but when someone stays there…it’s not good.)

7) So… what can be done, having said all of this? First off, anyone who still has the mindset of “Boys don’t cry” or “Men don’t open up” needs to stop immediately. Boys are allowed to cry; men are allowed to express themselves. If they don’t, then depression and anxiety rear their ugly heads. It’s natural to feel depressed at times, but it’s not good to make someone suppress those feelings. 

Some guys don’t want to say “I need to talk” because they fear losing their perceived macho status. But trust me, most guys DO want to talk/vent/rant (I am damn good at doing that!) Pull a guy aside and ask, “Grab a coffee and chat?” or “Go for a long drive and let it out?” You’d be surprised when you give someone the chance to peel back the layers. You will be thanked endlessly.

I hope some of the males who suffer depression/anxiety read this and felt some degree of solace, as I have no problem opening up about things. You don’t have to be strong all the time. 

You don’t always have to don the Superman cape.

Being Clark Kent is good enough sometimes.

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Steve Bello is a guitarist/guitar teacher who resides in New Jersey with his wife, three children, and three cats. He is a music teacher for Music & Arts and a private instructor. Steve is also an experienced recording/performing/touring artist. 

Connect with Steve:
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